Relationship Rx

prescriptions for the soul

May 29, 2006

26 Random Things I love

....in no particular order:

1) Mint chocolate chip ice cream (the white kind) 2) Big dogs 3) The Washington Redskins 4) Foreign films 5) Korean BBQ 6) Cobblestone streets 7) Dive bars 8) New Haven pizza 9) Midwestern kindness 10) Manhattan style 11) Audio self-help books 12) Wooden roller coasters 13) Pina Coladas 14) Any beach at sunset 15) Christmas in Manhattan 16) Family dinners 17) Jeans and t-shirts 18) Armani suits 19) A genuine smile 20) Paris, France 21) Pusan, South Korea 22) Snowboarding in deep powder 23) Well-written television 24) Salmon spread on an “everything” bagel 25) Jennifer Aniston in Along Came Polly 26) My mother’s cooking

posted by Unknown # 5/29/2006 03:18:00 PM 0 Comments

May 26, 2006

The Truth Or Consequences

Dear George: My girlfriend called me the other night. She was pretty upset. She found out by acci

dent that this guy she met on-line, and went on a few dates with, lied about his age. She thought he was 37, when actually he is a late 43 (...will be 44 in a few months). She is freaking out because she really liked the guy. Now she wonders what she should do. If he lied about this, what else is he lying about. And can she ever trust him or get over this lie. He told her he didn't want to be judged for his age. Thoughts on this?

--Betty P.

Dear Betty P. She met this guy online, right? I have learned through trial, and many errors, to suspend belief on information posted on a woman's online dating profile. Everyone exaggerates or minimizes the truth. Technically I'm 5 feet 11.5 inches, but my profile says 6 feet. Woman like tall guys and what is a half inch really? We all shrink in the end. A half inch or five pounds or $10,000 increase in salary size are all acceptable grey areas for fudging the truth. Why? Because we all have a built-in bullshit meter that assumes everyone exaggerates their self image. But there is a difference between an exaggeration and an outright lie. I've dated women who were 25-30 pounds heavier than their posted pictures. Now you might think lying about weight and age are completely different. But they're both misrepresenting themselves in big ways. This guy, like women who post pictures of their slimmer selves, believes that others will reject them for who they really are. Society's emphasis on youth and tight bodies certainly doesn't help this negative self-image. Yet their actions still indicate low self-esteem and a weak ego. This is the bigger problem for your girlfriend. The lie is a sign of deeper personality problems. He sees himself

as somehow "less than" or "less desirable" than a 37 year old. The possibility also exists he would do other unhealthy or illegal behaviors to prop up this less than solid self image. So, while a lie of this magnitude indicates he is comfortable telling untruths, it also demonstrates the depth of his insecurity. And from what I've read on women's online dating profiles... insecurity in men is very unappealing.

--- George

Betty P... If you're out there, let us know how it turned out for your friend.

posted by Unknown # 5/26/2006 11:05:00 AM 0 Comments

May 14, 2006

Dump Or Trump

Dear George:

Here is the email I received from a guy I had seen a couple times. What do you think? Should I contact him again?

-- Sarah, Chicago

---------------- Sorry for not responding, things have been really REALLY hectic. I'll try and call you when I get a chance. As we speak, I'm in the midst of a all East Coast Law Department conference call among twelve other things. Sorry, hopefully we get to do it in the next few weeks. Maybe we should just put it off for a while. --------------- Dear Sarah: A quick read shows how truly wonderful this guy is -- in is own mind. His narcissistic proclivities are apparent in his desire to tell you he's on the All East Coast Law Department team, whatever that means. Does anyone really care about this? Oh wait, he and his mother do. Yes, we get it. He's a lawyer and so busy! Hectic, really, which is much more busy than just busy. Hectic, implies rushed and rushed is good if you're on the All EAST COAST LAW DEPARTMENT TEAM. The sad part is the mean spirit of the end of this email. Maybe we should put it off for a while? What he really meant was maybe we should put "you" off for a while. What a jerk! People often treat others they way they were treated as a child. Projective Identification is the term. I suspect that maybe this guy was "put off" by his mother and neglected as a child. He's now transferring these painful subconscious feelings onto you. Some theorists believe that neglect, or abuse, as a child can lead one to develop a narcissistic personality disorder later in adulthood. This man is not going to be able to provide the support you need and deserve in a relationship. Therefore, I say delete the message and move on.

---George

Sarah, did you delete this man from your life?

posted by Unknown # 5/14/2006 05:02:00 PM 0 Comments

May 6, 2006

Lazy, Crazy or Both

Dear George:

Here's a question for you george... when you read about all these disorders in psychology books, do you sometimes wonder, "I seem to exhibit similar symptoms... do I suffer from this disorder?" I used to be a student of psychology, but decided to give it up because I started thinking I was suffering from a whole lotta disorders... Ok I did not give it up only for the above mentioned reasons, but those thoughts did cross my mind once in a while...

Don't you think psychology books kinda go overboard when they describe disorders? You mentioned in an earlier posting that "PAPD (Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder) patients characteristically procrastinate, resist demands for adequate performance, find excuses for delays, and find fault with those on whom they depend; yet they refuse to extricate themselves from the dependent relationships." Aren't most lazy people around the world like this? Except laziness is never really seen as a 'disorder'... it's accepted as a natural human condition.

-- Trauma Queen

Dear Trauma Queen: I too went through every psychological disorder and questioned whether that fit for me. In fact, I got depressed just thinking I could be clinically depressed. This is very common among medical, psychology and psychiatric students. In fact there's a term called "medical student's syndrome" to describe this phenomenon. One of the criteria for meeting the diagnosis of depression, anxiety, OCD or a similar mental illness is that the symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning (DSM-IV). We all get lazy, depressed, anxious and obsessive. I can spend an entire weekend on my couch watching football. Does this make me lazy or obsessed? Probably. The question is: do these feelings cause significant distress or impairment in my social life or at work?

When I first meet a patient I ask them simple questions to determine if they meet this criteria. a) Do you have a best friend or any friends? b) Do you have a job? If not, why? The answers usually tell me if the patient is experiencing clinically significant distress or impairment. If we're socially isolated, feeling emotional pain from many of our relationships and unable to sustain work, it might be useful to consult with our doctor. Otherwise, we should be talking with our lazy, depressed, anxious and obsessive friends.

-- George

I always value second opinions. Please offer any advice or comments you have to Trauma Queen!

posted by Unknown # 5/06/2006 12:03:00 PM 3 Comments