Relationship Rx

Want to hear this question in an audio file? Right click link and select "open in new window." Dear George, Why do men tend to back stab you or say bad things about you once they leave you? I was going out with my ex for more than four months. We were happy together (well at least I thought we were happy together). Everybody said he put on weight since he dated me. We treated each other very well, and we always discussed our future together. Before this he dated my ex-housemate, but he found out she was cheating on him and he dumped her. At that time, he was frustrated and told me if he has a girlfriend once again he will treat her well because he doesn't want to hurt anybody the way his ex hurt him. He is actually twenty-three years old, which is two years younger than I am. When he wanted me to go out with him I told him no because of our age differences. But the way he treated me changed my mind. I fell in love with him. But three weeks ago, he text messaged me and suddenly wanted to break up. We just met two days earlier and things were going well. I asked him why and he said he can't love me anymore. He said we do not "click" enough. We never really fight. We always treated each other well. I was shocked and really hurt. I tried to talk to him to discuss this but he refused. Suddenly the way he talked to me was very harsh. A couple of days later we talked once again. I'm the one who made the effort to call him. This time he told me his family rejected the idea of having a relationship with an older woman. I am hurt because he never really defended our relationship but I'll try to deal with it and accept the reason why we broke up. A couple of days ago I met with my ex-housemate. She told me he is pursuing her back and he told her he was just using me to get revenge on her. I even saw the messages he's been sending to her. What bad thing did I do to him? I was very loyal to him, so why did he say all those things about me?? As much as I want to hate him, I am not capable of that. I can accept why he wanted to break up, but why does he need to back stab me, as if I'm the one to blame for this break up. So George, I just want to know what was in his mind or rather what was in a man's mind when they do all those things? --Azura ................... Want to hear my answer in an audio file? Right click link and select "open in new window." Dear Azura: You ask what's on the mind of a twenty-three year old male? It's simple. Sex. What fuels this insatiable desire? Well, besides boatloads of testosterone and boxes of Red Bull, men's sexual behaviors are motivated often by shame. This guy was hurt when his ex cheated on him, and feeling ashamed, need to soothe his squashed ego. That's where you come in. Off the rebound. By chasing and having sex with you, he has resurrected what was left of his self-esteem. At least temporarily. Now that doesn't mean he wasn't attracted to you. You're probably very beautiful. He just had bigger fish to fry. Once he realized that bedding you wasn't going to satisfy the shame of being cheated on, he decided to go back to the original source. His ex. It was only by winning her back that he could alleviate the shame he felt. How do I know this? I was twenty-three once. It's also no surprise that he'd throw you under the bus to convince his ex to take him back. That speaks to his level of shame, and intense need to block out those feelings. In his mind, if she takes him back, then he's not a loser. He thinks, "I may have gotten cheated on, but she came back to me, finally realizing how truly wonderful I am." I feel for you, especially after you expressed how much you cared for this slimy chameleon. I'm also proud of you for opening yourself up to him and trying to make it work. I know how hard that can be. You're young too, and you're learning about men, or boys in this case. In time you'll develop a sophisticated radar that can spot the men from the wanna be wankers. Everyone possesses feelings of shame. It's how we deal with those feelings that separate the men from the boys, And age is no factor in this distinction. Find a man that can manage these difficult emotions by simply talking about them and you've found yourself a true gentleman. --George

Labels: cheating, love, men, roommates, shame

George, Why is it that some men will walk out on a relationship without saying a word to their mate or without giving warning?

--Browny

Dear Browny,

This is a difficult question. While I never "cut and run" like the men you mention, I certainly fantasized that notion. Based on my own experiences, I think I know why men leave without saying a word. I blame this childish behavior on three distinctly male attributes: problem-focused logical thinking, emotional overload, and fear of women.

Here's how it starts... a man decides something's wrong with the woman he's dating. It could be a simple as the neon color of the dashboard lights in her car (yes I was that shallow and they were a bright blue). We're great at recognizing a problem, and being logical thinkers, demand a solution. Now, while a women might talk it out, or "work on the relationship," men problem solve by themselves, in the deepest darkest cavern of our minds.

Think about it... Superman's Fortress of Solitude and Batman's Batcave were hidden, secret lairs, where both superheroes did their best thinking. Women weren't allowed into those private dens of masculinity.

Unfortunately men also bar women from their own private thoughts concerning the relationship. That's why many women are surprised when men leave, saying "there were no signs or warnings."

Men are also taught from an early age not to reveal our cards, or discuss problems until their solved. Again, Superman never debated his decisions. He was a man of action. In fact, I think he first appeared in "Action Comics" before he got his own gig.

Another reason men leave without warning is that our bodies weren't designed for sustained emotional turmoil. Science has shown that men's heart rate increases to dangerous levels during an argument, while the girlfriend or wife is relatively calm and collected. Thus, many men simply leave the room when the arguments start, reducing the uncomfortable feelings of emotional overload. Or if you're like Mr. Crowe, and millions of other men, you throw something, and hopefully not a fist.

Keeping our thoughts to ourselves and inadequate biology for discussing emotional matters, all lead us to feel bad when things go wrong. How bad?

You know sometimes when you throw a towel in the washer and it comes out all knotted up, like it's been twisted and turned a hundred times in the wash cycle, and then got caught on something and spun in position repeatedly during the rinse? That's how men feel when we're unhappy with our relationship.

We also fear a woman's emotional intelligence. Especially during any "breakup" discussion. We know women are more skilled at discussing relationships, and are obviously designed for just such a task. We know our girlfriend or wife will have a good reason why the relationship should continue. It's like an intern negotiating a deal with Donald Trump. We know we'll lose, and will feel physically and emotionally destroyed.

Combine all this and hopefully you can see why men "walk out on a relationship without saying a word to their mate or without giving warning?" I, in no way, am excusing this behavior. I think it's childish and immature. I am simply explaining why I think it occurs.

One piece of advice is to "check in" about the relationship at times when you think all is going well. ..when there are no warning signs. Do not do this on the couch, or at the kitchen table, and please never ever ever in bed! Men need to be outside for us to feel free when this talk happens. We need to be moving, walking, in action, to discuss our relationship truthfully and honestly.

Woah... that one was draining for me.

--- George

Labels: divorce, love, men, relationships, separation

Dear George: A very persistent and self claimed "different" kind of guy convinced me to date him while he was separated to divorce. He and his spouse had a mediator and divorced several months after we started dating. Although he claimed to have worked through much of his demons while they had a 2 year separation, I find that after one year, he no longer is the thoughtful, romantic, easy going guy he proclaimed he was. My rule is not to date a guy unless he's been divorced for 3 years. There are a lot of characteristics I like about this guy, and at 54 years of age, I'm feeling it is better to settle for the imperfect male (since am also the imperfect female!) but am feeling skeptical about his ability to move on. He recently introduced me to his 3 kids, ages 10, 13 and 15....and told them we were new friends but through talking with my kids, they discovered we have been seeing each other for a year. Naturally, his kids are upset and my beau is upset with me for letting this slip occur....He wanted his kids to ease gently into knowing me and now feels all his efforts to not hurt his kids have dissipated. Over the weekend, the residual of this episode came across in his behavior. He felt badly and said he truly was sorry....but I don't like feeling I have to walk on egg shells. He used passive aggressive tactics and was condescending at times. Although we have been able to roll over the bumps of life and both take responsibility for our actions and communicate better than most.I am on the fence as to whether this guy is on the rebound as most are after recently divorcing. No matter how amicable the divorce is. His pattern of letting down his guard to expose a more crude side is happening more often in the past few months.Though he wants to remain in a relationship with me and asks my patience to help him. I'm getting frustrated and scared. Don't want to be a rebound but I can't help thinking that's what this is!!

Labels: advice, boyfriend, divorce, romance

Dear Readers: I'm back. Sorry for the brief hiatus. I moved from Chicago to Hermosa Beach, California, to do my internship and have been busy setting up my west coast life. Three things I've learned since I've been out here...in no particular order. 1. Don't eat Bulgogi in your car. It takes ten hours to clean out the smell. 2. Study for your California written driving exam. I failed it twice. Who knew you can only pass a trolley car on the right. 3. West Coast sunsets are amazing!