Relationship Rx
prescriptions for the soulJul 6, 2008
Dear George,
I came out of very bad relationship with a guy I was supposed to marry. I sold my house, moved my girls and me into his house. After one month he got very abusive. After five months, I finally had enough guts to move out on a Saturday afternoon. The worst part is I lost $40,000 with him --always buying things and I having to pay to live with him.
Now my question is... I went through extensive therapy and have met a great guy who will do everything for me. He gives me all his attention, from snuggling to cook and cleaning. I am afraid this could be too good to be true. He will do anything for my girls and me.
He has been married before and we had our moments, but he made a 180 degree turn. I always told him in the beginning I don't like alcohol around me. He realized that his friends drink too much. I asked him to stay sober one day we went out for a gathering -- now he realizes that is not the life he wants.
I don't gamble and he said lets go to Atlantic City and I said I work too hard for my money to put it into machines. He went to Las Vegas with his friends (it was planned before we met). He realized it is a waste of money that he does not have.
He has told me he loves me and the person I am. I have a lot of feelings for him and am falling in love with him. I am scared. I could not get hurt ever again. He said he will never leave me. I have a cement wall around me and I am afraid to knock it down but I know I could be very happy if I open up to him. Could you help me on my feelings? I know not to dwell on the past, and to move forward, I am afraid. Help please!
-- Debbie
Dear Debbie,
First of all, bravo to you for leaving an abusive relationship and to opening yourself up to new possibilities. I hear the fear in your email about reliving this past abuse, and about getting your heart broken by a man that appears to be a great partner for you and your children.
It's only natural for you to want to seal yourself off from future heartbreak, especially when faced with something very real and potentially healthy. But now it's time to move forward. To repeat the words of Ronald Reagan said, "Tear down that wall." Easier said then done, right?
They key to moving forward with this new guy without fear is to communicate those fears to him. Unpack your "baggage" and place the items carefully in front of him so that he can see all that is you.
I suggest you invite your new man to therapy with you. Talk to him about your fears and tell him you want to "explore" your feelings in a safe place like a therapist's office. Emphasize that this is about you (because it is) and that you would like him to come to support you and most importantly, listen to your fears without judgment. He gave up booze and blackjack for you, so coming with you to therapy may not be a difficult task for him.
If he absolutely refuses, find a quiet time to take a walk. I recommend that you get your man moving as men can get comfortable having a "talk" of any kind on the couch or in some static state like sitting. Tell him that his is very difficult for you to say but that you want to reveal a part of yourself without judgment or advice. Tell him that just listening is the best thing he can do for you. Then, tear down that wall by bringing forth all that is in you -- everything. Even the most scary thoughts. Stay strong and work on communicating every fear without falling apart. When you've told him the one that you swore you would never reveal, then you're done.
This will be huge for you! He may not say anything as you requested. He may just hug you, but putting this out there removes it from the recesses of your mind. Now together you can both manage this fear; together you and your man can help you overcome the past and move into the future with passion and joy.
Dear Debbie,
First of all, bravo to you for leaving an abusive relationship and to opening yourself up to new possibilities. I hear the fear in your email about reliving this past abuse, and about getting your heart broken by a man that appears to be a great partner for you and your children.
It's only natural for you to want to seal yourself off from future heartbreak, especially when faced with something very real and potentially healthy. But now it's time to move forward. To repeat the words of Ronald Reagan said, "Tear down that wall." Easier said then done, right?
They key to moving forward with this new guy without fear is to communicate those fears to him. Unpack your "baggage" and place the items carefully in front of him so that he can see all that is you.
I suggest you invite your new man to therapy with you. Talk to him about your fears and tell him you want to "explore" your feelings in a safe place like a therapist's office. Emphasize that this is about you (because it is) and that you would like him to come to support you and most importantly, listen to your fears without judgment. He gave up booze and blackjack for you, so coming with you to therapy may not be a difficult task for him.
If he absolutely refuses, find a quiet time to take a walk. I recommend that you get your man moving as men can get comfortable having a "talk" of any kind on the couch or in some static state like sitting. Tell him that his is very difficult for you to say but that you want to reveal a part of yourself without judgment or advice. Tell him that just listening is the best thing he can do for you. Then, tear down that wall by bringing forth all that is in you -- everything. Even the most scary thoughts. Stay strong and work on communicating every fear without falling apart. When you've told him the one that you swore you would never reveal, then you're done.
This will be huge for you! He may not say anything as you requested. He may just hug you, but putting this out there removes it from the recesses of your mind. Now together you can both manage this fear; together you and your man can help you overcome the past and move into the future with passion and joy.
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