Relationship Rx

Dear Readers: I'm really upset. I've had a roommate for the past year and a half (found him off of Craig's List). Being a graduate student with limited finances I thought it was a good idea to share the rent. It turned out I'm paying for it...just not monitarily. When I first moved in we agreed to a cleaning schedule which we kept to. Months past and everything was great. He was cooperative and agreeable when I discussed areas that bothered me (e.g. coming home at 3:00 a.m. and cranking the tunes). Then his girlfriend moved in and now it's three. She's also very considerate and sweet, but both are little piglets. Dishes pile up and the schedule of cleaning every other week is not adhered to. I can't believe that both of them together can't equal one conscience about the deal that was signed and sealed. (Yes, we did make a cleaning contract when we moved in and both my roommate and I signed it.) The worst part is because they don't clean, I say to myself "f them," and I don't do my part either. So I'm angry at them for not being accountable to the job we agreed on and angry at myself for not being more assertive in stating my wishes. I feel like a push-over. On the other hand, I don't want to be this happy couple's mother/father, always telling them to clean their room. Did you note the sarcasm in ther word "happy?" Ok, I'm jealous seeing them together, snuggling on the couch, and me being single. I can recognize that and own it, but still...the apt. is a dump. I cleaned the kitchen today (because it was filthy) and when he got up (at noon), I said we need to revisit the cleaning schedule. He said..."Oh, I'm not too t'd about that." (T'd means teed off or pissed. I can only assume.) This reply made me more angry, and fed into my shame about not laying down the law. You know us guys have to be in control. Any advice on resolving this issue? Please don't say move out. I'm leaving in July when school ends. I also believe, perhaps in a masochistic way, that working on this relationship now may help me down the road with other similar circumstances (e.g. teenage children). --George

Dear Readers, Your turn! Have you also had problems with you roommates? Share your dilemma and I'll offer my own advice on the problem. --George

I've learned from female friends that many women are sent into a obsessive spiral of self-doubt and male loathing based on a confusing email, text message or voicemail left from the man in their lives. To alleviate this unnecessary pain, I've decided to offer my translation and interpretation services, helping women better understand the male mind and the true meaning of the messages left in their in-box. Cut and paste the email messages that baffle you and post them here. Or post the transcripts of the voicemail messages that drive you nuts. I'll try my best to translate the language of "guy-speak" into a language you can understand. --George ---------------------------- Dear George: Dump or Trump? Here is the email I received from a guy I had seen a couple times. What do you think? Should I contact him again? -- Sarah, Chicago ---------------------------- Sorry for not responding, things have been really REALLY hectic. I'll try and call you when I get a chance. As we speak, I'm in the midst of a all East Coast Law Department conference call among twelve other things. Sorry, hopefully we get to do it in the next few weeks. Maybe we should just put it off for a while. ---------------------------- Dear Sarah: A quick read shows how truly wonderful this guy is -- in is own mind. His narcissistic proclivities are apparent in his desire to tell you he's on the All East Coast Law Department team, whatever that means. Does anyone really care about this? Oh wait, he and his mother do. Yes, we get it. He's a lawyer and so busy! Hectic, really, which is much more busy than just busy. Hectic, implies rushed and rushed is good if you're on the All EAST COAST LAW DEPARTMENT TEAM. The sad part is the mean spirit of the end of this email. Maybe we should put it off for a while? What he really meant was maybe we should put "you" off for a while. What a jerk! People often treat others they way they were treated as a child. Projective Identification is the term. I suspect that maybe this guy was "put off" by his mother and neglected as a child. He's now transferring these painful subconscious feelings onto you. Some theorists believe that neglect, or abuse, as a child can lead one to develop a narcissistic personality disorder later in adulthood. This man is not going to be able to provide the support you need and deserve in a relationship. Therefore, I say delete the message and move on. ---George

Dear Readers: I have a wonderful sister-in-law that, due to her own tumultuous childhood, has a difficult time setting limits for her children -- my beautiful niece and nephew. Last time I was with her she talked about this problem. I was understanding but didn't offer any advice. My own thoughts on the matter are....by not setting limits for your child, you're setting him or her up for a very difficult adulthood where the reality of limits and rules is met with extreme frustration and unnecessary conflict. I believe a child could develop a narcissistic personality based on this parenting. Should I tell my sister-in-law my thoughts or butt out? --George

Dear Readers: As you may know, I'm a doctoral student in clinical psychology who has spent the better part of the last four years learning to connect with my emotions, "open up," share my joys, desires and fears. If I don't "know thyself," how can I help another person with that same goal? Right? I recently dated a girl who often said "you never tell me your feelings." I was dumbfounded by this statement. I was always telling her when I felt angry or sad, even shame. I thought this was important to a relationship. To be open and share one's feelings. Even with this, she continued her mantra that I'm not expressing my feelings. Finally, it hit me like a ton of bricks. When she asked me to share my feelings, she was referring only to my feelings about her! The "Us Talk" in disguise. So how important is it really for a man to share his feelings (if not specifically related to the relationship)? -- George Rebecca said ...It's vital. I think some women, not all, need reassurance now and then (more often than not) that you're on the same page as your guy. Just keep us in the loop on your life AND the "our" bit and your girlfriend will relax. And tell her she looks nice now and then.

Dear Readers: Like many men, I'm often asked by girlfriends, "Do you think I'm fat?" No matter how many times I hear this, I always feel like I'm on the "Price Is Right." Make the right choice and win the prize. Pick the wrong door and you're stuck with some beat up old couch (one which you'll be sleeping on later that night). What do women really want to hear when they ask you if they're fat? --George Rebecca said... Reassuring your girlfriend will help boost her confidence and keep her mind off the "fat" feelings. Oh, and even if she keeps pressing for you to say otherwise, "no really be honest with me," never ever give in. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

posted by Unknown  # 1/27/2006 11:54:00 PM 0 Comments

Dear Readers: I have a good friend that I've known for over ten years named "Billy." He's 32. We used to party together in New York City when I lived there, having "bright lights, big city" fun. I have wonderful memories of that time. That was four years ago. Since then I've moved out to Chicago to begin graduate school. I recently visited Billy in NYC over Thanksgiving. I joined him for a night out, trying to recreate the fun we used to have. It just wasn't the same for me. For Billy it was just another Friday night. Same story week after week. I really wasn't surprised to see him still stuck in the glory days. It was scary, however, to see that he's escalated the fun to involve gambling, more less reputable women and deeper connections to dangerous characters. I left feeling sad about his situation. I told a mutual friend who said I needed to have a heart to heart with Billy and tell him I was worried about his lifestyle. The question for my readers is: Is this necessary? He hasn't come to me for help and who am I to judge his lifestyle? Won't this hurt our relationship? And if I do talk to him, how best to approach this subject? --- George Half Swede said... Good questions! I have a friend who is the female version of Billy. She doesn't want to hear about it (I've tried, passively... and then more firmly) and is convinced she is happy. Is Billy really happy or is there an underlying 'cry for help' that he's masking? If he's genuinely happy, back off; sometimes it's natural to grow apart even if it's hard to accept. If you know him better and understand that this really isn't how you or Billy thought he might be/want to be, he needs a heart-to-heart. (This is all, of course, completely opinion-based on my part.)

Dear Readers: Last night I had a blind date with a beautiful woman. When the check came, she said "Let me put in some." I declined her offer, but sometimes it's hard to know if a woman really wants to pay or is obliging me in a little dance of twenty-first century manners. Am I right in refusing her offer? When should I let her pay? How will I know that her intention to pay is genuine? --- George chamki said... yes you are right in refusing because men at most times are ugly creatures whom women bare. Also they dont talk enough, sit silent for long pauses and have an attention span of not more than 16 secs unless its sports.

Dear Readers: When I start dating someone I'm curious to know about their sexual histories. I have no idea why except maybe to see how I measure up. And while I don't think there is a magic number of acceptable partners for women, I do get nervous when they're approaching double digits. A double standard for sure. Do you recommend full disclosure in regards to this question or should I let sleeping dogs lie. And speaking of lying. Do women want to know the whole truth about their man's past? --George Soliloquizer said...A true gentleman or lady never kisses and tells. Keep it private. They are who they are because of where they've been with their life, you knowing all the details will not change the past, yours or theirs. And, try to work on your insecurities, okay? joey♥ said... at the beginning, be coy and don't divulge too much. what she doesn't know won't hurt her, right? i don't offer up information like that unless i'm asked, but if i'm asked, i usually change the subject. i don't like to kiss and tell. but once i get into a serious relationship, i might divulge my history as long as the man i'm with is someone i could see myself being with for a while. Mellissa said... George, Double digits are not hard to reach in that conversation if you are dating a woman over 35.... I am over 35, have double digits and am a "nice" girl ;-) If you do the average it is totally respectable to be DD .... Besides, I think it is less about wanting to know about a girls experiences in life (dating) than it is to make a judgement call based on her "number".. I let sleeping dogs lie by the way and keep my sexual past just for myself, I never kiss and tell!! Love you Blog - I will be back here as this is good stuff!! Ladybug chamki said... I think one shouldnt lie at any cost. I would want to know the truth and only the truth about anybody at any point of time.If you are asked a question and you avoid the whole truth, i think its as good as telling a lie. You are hiding right? Even if i wasnt interested in dating the person i met its just horrible to know that people lie. I think its ok to have double digits or triple digits for that matter! remember these digits are not always in our control, or I would like to be with the first man i was in dating. Although i do understand how you feel about it. N said... I find it rather strange that a caucasian student of clinical psychology with a nice smile etcetera is leery of double digits. I see three reasons for your post, and each one is hard to reconcile with your looks and your self-description: 1) you lack the arithmetic understanding of what double digits are. 10 is a double digit number. Is it high? Given that you study psychology, albeit its clinical branch, in today's world, it is hard to believe that you lack the arithmetic understanding. You guys study so much quant stuff these days, don't you? 2) you are of Muslim upbringing. This does not reconcile with either your name or your looks. 3) you are incredibly and naively young. This does not reconcile with your being a graduate student, unless you were a prodigy child who entered college at age 15. By the way, Melissa response so nicely plays on the coy ambiguities inherent in the word "number" and the acronym DD (breast size being the "other" meaning in both cases)... too cute.I think the recipe for you is to try to date smart and confident women like Melissa - hopefully you will forget about numbers, measuring up, ...