Relationship Rx

Want to hear this question in an audio file? Right click link and select "open in new window." Dear George, Why do men tend to back stab you or say bad things about you once they leave you? I was going out with my ex for more than four months. We were happy together (well at least I thought we were happy together). Everybody said he put on weight since he dated me. We treated each other very well, and we always discussed our future together. Before this he dated my ex-housemate, but he found out she was cheating on him and he dumped her. At that time, he was frustrated and told me if he has a girlfriend once again he will treat her well because he doesn't want to hurt anybody the way his ex hurt him. He is actually twenty-three years old, which is two years younger than I am. When he wanted me to go out with him I told him no because of our age differences. But the way he treated me changed my mind. I fell in love with him. But three weeks ago, he text messaged me and suddenly wanted to break up. We just met two days earlier and things were going well. I asked him why and he said he can't love me anymore. He said we do not "click" enough. We never really fight. We always treated each other well. I was shocked and really hurt. I tried to talk to him to discuss this but he refused. Suddenly the way he talked to me was very harsh. A couple of days later we talked once again. I'm the one who made the effort to call him. This time he told me his family rejected the idea of having a relationship with an older woman. I am hurt because he never really defended our relationship but I'll try to deal with it and accept the reason why we broke up. A couple of days ago I met with my ex-housemate. She told me he is pursuing her back and he told her he was just using me to get revenge on her. I even saw the messages he's been sending to her. What bad thing did I do to him? I was very loyal to him, so why did he say all those things about me?? As much as I want to hate him, I am not capable of that. I can accept why he wanted to break up, but why does he need to back stab me, as if I'm the one to blame for this break up. So George, I just want to know what was in his mind or rather what was in a man's mind when they do all those things? --Azura ................... Want to hear my answer in an audio file? Right click link and select "open in new window." Dear Azura: You ask what's on the mind of a twenty-three year old male? It's simple. Sex. What fuels this insatiable desire? Well, besides boatloads of testosterone and boxes of Red Bull, men's sexual behaviors are motivated often by shame. This guy was hurt when his ex cheated on him, and feeling ashamed, need to soothe his squashed ego. That's where you come in. Off the rebound. By chasing and having sex with you, he has resurrected what was left of his self-esteem. At least temporarily. Now that doesn't mean he wasn't attracted to you. You're probably very beautiful. He just had bigger fish to fry. Once he realized that bedding you wasn't going to satisfy the shame of being cheated on, he decided to go back to the original source. His ex. It was only by winning her back that he could alleviate the shame he felt. How do I know this? I was twenty-three once. It's also no surprise that he'd throw you under the bus to convince his ex to take him back. That speaks to his level of shame, and intense need to block out those feelings. In his mind, if she takes him back, then he's not a loser. He thinks, "I may have gotten cheated on, but she came back to me, finally realizing how truly wonderful I am." I feel for you, especially after you expressed how much you cared for this slimy chameleon. I'm also proud of you for opening yourself up to him and trying to make it work. I know how hard that can be. You're young too, and you're learning about men, or boys in this case. In time you'll develop a sophisticated radar that can spot the men from the wanna be wankers. Everyone possesses feelings of shame. It's how we deal with those feelings that separate the men from the boys, And age is no factor in this distinction. Find a man that can manage these difficult emotions by simply talking about them and you've found yourself a true gentleman. --George

Labels: cheating, love, men, roommates, shame