Relationship Rx

George, Why is it that some men will walk out on a relationship without saying a word to their mate or without giving warning?

--Browny

Dear Browny,

This is a difficult question. While I never "cut and run" like the men you mention, I certainly fantasized that notion. Based on my own experiences, I think I know why men leave without saying a word. I blame this childish behavior on three distinctly male attributes: problem-focused logical thinking, emotional overload, and fear of women.

Here's how it starts... a man decides something's wrong with the woman he's dating. It could be a simple as the neon color of the dashboard lights in her car (yes I was that shallow and they were a bright blue). We're great at recognizing a problem, and being logical thinkers, demand a solution. Now, while a women might talk it out, or "work on the relationship," men problem solve by themselves, in the deepest darkest cavern of our minds.

Think about it... Superman's Fortress of Solitude and Batman's Batcave were hidden, secret lairs, where both superheroes did their best thinking. Women weren't allowed into those private dens of masculinity.

Unfortunately men also bar women from their own private thoughts concerning the relationship. That's why many women are surprised when men leave, saying "there were no signs or warnings."

Men are also taught from an early age not to reveal our cards, or discuss problems until their solved. Again, Superman never debated his decisions. He was a man of action. In fact, I think he first appeared in "Action Comics" before he got his own gig.

Another reason men leave without warning is that our bodies weren't designed for sustained emotional turmoil. Science has shown that men's heart rate increases to dangerous levels during an argument, while the girlfriend or wife is relatively calm and collected. Thus, many men simply leave the room when the arguments start, reducing the uncomfortable feelings of emotional overload. Or if you're like Mr. Crowe, and millions of other men, you throw something, and hopefully not a fist.

Keeping our thoughts to ourselves and inadequate biology for discussing emotional matters, all lead us to feel bad when things go wrong. How bad?

You know sometimes when you throw a towel in the washer and it comes out all knotted up, like it's been twisted and turned a hundred times in the wash cycle, and then got caught on something and spun in position repeatedly during the rinse? That's how men feel when we're unhappy with our relationship.

We also fear a woman's emotional intelligence. Especially during any "breakup" discussion. We know women are more skilled at discussing relationships, and are obviously designed for just such a task. We know our girlfriend or wife will have a good reason why the relationship should continue. It's like an intern negotiating a deal with Donald Trump. We know we'll lose, and will feel physically and emotionally destroyed.

Combine all this and hopefully you can see why men "walk out on a relationship without saying a word to their mate or without giving warning?" I, in no way, am excusing this behavior. I think it's childish and immature. I am simply explaining why I think it occurs.

One piece of advice is to "check in" about the relationship at times when you think all is going well. ..when there are no warning signs. Do not do this on the couch, or at the kitchen table, and please never ever ever in bed! Men need to be outside for us to feel free when this talk happens. We need to be moving, walking, in action, to discuss our relationship truthfully and honestly.

Woah... that one was draining for me.

--- George

Labels: divorce, love, men, relationships, separation

posted by Unknown  # 10/22/2006 09:06:00 PM