Relationship Rx

prescriptions for the soul

Mar 18, 2006

Pass On Passive-Aggressive

Dear George: I was hanging out with this guy. We had been on at least 15 dates.

He kept asking me to get together. I kept saying yes and then he would ask when I was free. I would offer up a suggestion of something fun to do, but keep getting responses like this email below. This guy keeps asking me to do things, but then keeps bailing. How can I tell him I give up and to stop contacting me...without being a bitch?

-- Jennifer .........

Belle and Sebastian sounds cool but I am starting to feel the pinch financially especially since I almost bought a condo yesterday. I have my two failed units tacked to the wall in front of me as motivation to get my shit together. I had my "australian open" moment yesterday when i was trying to get pre-approved for a loan.

......... Dear Jennifer: Based on this response (to your suggestion of places to go) I would say this guy is actively passive-aggressive. While there is no clinical diagnosis for PA it is symptomatic of larger personality problems. Guys with PA unconsciously obstruct progress, procrastinate, and accept inefficiency in their lives -- usually to cover an underlying aggression. In the book Synopsis of Psychiatry (Kalpan & Saddock, 1997), the authors state: "PAPD patients characteristically procrastinate, resist demands for adequate performance, find excuses for delays, and find fault with those on whom they depend; yet they refuse to extricate themselves from the dependent relationships. They usually lack assertiveness and are not direct about their own needs and wishes. They fail to ask needed questions about what is expected of them and may become anxious when forced to succeed or when their usual defense of turning anger against themselves is removed.

In interpersonal relationships, these people attempt to manipulate themselves into a position of dependence, but others often experience this passive, self-detrimental behavior as punitive and manipulative. People with this disorder expect others to do their errands and to carry out their routine responsibilities. Friends and clinicians may become enmeshed in trying to assuage the patients' many claims of unjust treatment. The close relationships of people with PAPD, however, are rarely tranquil or happy. Because they are bound to their resentment more closely than to their satisfaction, they may never even formulate goals for finding enjoyment in life. People with this disorder lack self-confidence and are typically pessimistic about the future." This guy demonstrates many of these qualities in his email to you. Like the Rorschach test, an email can be a window to one's thoughts and feelings. This guy is determined not to commit to a time or date regarding the date. If he "just wasn't into you" by the fifteenth date, a simple phone call or email stating that would have sufficed. He seems incapable of that and seemingly wants you to end the relationship so he doesn't have to. He is also demonstrating his need for dependence by stating his failures and desire to get his "shit together." Is it possible that he wants you to get his "shit together" for him? You're feeling angry about this situation. This reaction is probably all too familiar to him. On the one hand he is pushing his own internalized anger onto you (projective identification) and on the other hand he's undoubtedly feeling sad at his difficulty to connect with someone in a mature manner. As far as your response goes.... I would not give him what he subconsciously wants -- an angry response. This is a sad guy with a f'd up problem. Be his mirror and let him know in nice terms what he did and didn't do. He needs to know the proper etiquette so at least with therapy, he'll have a goal to reach.

All the best, George

I always value second opinions. Please offer any advice or comments you have to Jennifer!

posted by Unknown # 3/18/2006 11:27:00 PM 3 Comments

Mar 9, 2006

What's Your Star Sign Baby?

Hey George: Lemme know what u think of this... it's about pick up lines... and something women ALL o

ver the world deal with! I used to like to believe that men were very dumb. Statistics at the end of every school examination always proved so. A little later I started believing that men were a different species altogether – feminist teachers and too much literature tend to do that to you. As of today, I’m convinced that men are dumb, men are different, and men will NEVER change. NEVER. They will always be stupid, they will always be different, and they will always use the dumbest pick-up lines to do what they love doing – chasing girls.

-- Trauma Queen

Dear Trauma Queen: Yes these lines are painfully unoriginal and downright dumb, especially the ones you've so nicely catalogued on your blog. The truth is... corny lines do work on women and that's why us guys still use them. Parents and dog trainers have known this for years. If you want a behavior to continue you reward it. The sad truth is many women (not just in New Jersey) are rewarding this cheeseball behavior by chatting these guys up and probably more. Much more. To stop these James Bond wannabe wankers, try the behavior modification techniques parents use with attention-seeking children. Ignore them. Eventually the negative actions will stop altogether. If that's what you really want? So Trauma Queen... Did it hurt? When you fell out of heaven?

--George

I'm all for second opinions! Let Trauma Queen know your own thoughts and suggestions.

posted by Unknown # 3/09/2006 08:00:00 PM 6 Comments

Mar 8, 2006

Misled & Used

Dear George: I was hanging out/dating this guy for several months. I thought it was moving to the next level. However I ran into him at a restaurant. He was actually on a date with another woman. I sent him an email that was fairly breezy saying that it was funny running into him. And that I was wondering where we stood. This is what he wrote... Thanks for the note, yes, it's a small world!! Sure, I'm happy to be honest w/ you and I appreciate the nice things you said in your email as well. I received your email before New Years, replied and didn't hear back for some time so I really wasn't aware that you had 'feelings'. Regardless, I can't really say that my sentiments are quite where yours might be right now and I don't think it would be fair by saying otherwise or by the sound of things, hanging out together. Nevertheless, I hope you realize that I have always felt that you are a super sweet, smart and fun person to be around.

I was caught completely off guard. And I never said I had "feelings" for him... So my question to you is... How can a respond to him with out him thinking he broke me.. And to get over himself.. I was not in love with him... I was however extremely hurt.

--- Misled and Used

Dear Misled and Used: Lies! Lies! Lies! It's funny that he begins by saying he's happy to be honest with you and then lies right to your face. How many of us "lose" an email or don't see it when it comes into our inbox? Rarely does that happen to me. I always assume when someone says they emailed me and I didn't get it that they didn't send it! In his defense, I can understand why he believes you have feelings for him. If a woman emails us or in any way shows any effort to establish a relationship with us, we assume she likes us and has feelings for us. Why? Because from our skewed male perspective we wouldn't make one inch of effort if we didn't have some stirring of feelings (emotional or physical) for the woman. The last line though is like throwing salt on a wound. I wish guys wouldn't make something already bad much worse by tossing out sappy lines that have no real meaning. You already know your sweet, fun and smart and certainly don't want to hear it from him! To answer your question, I would offer two responses. The first should be used if you still want to date him at some point down the road. I think it's important to model true integrity, as this guy obviously has none. I would say: "I'm disappointed you feel that way. If you change your mind, you have my number." Short and sweet -- the way men like it. The second response should be used only in extreme cases, where you feel the uncontrollable need to punish this guy for hurting you. Seek therapy immediately after responding. It goes like this... "Richard, (use different name from this guy) thanks for last night. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise... you are fun, sweet and intelligent. But most of all you f*** like a champion." Send that to this guy followed very quickly by another email that says... "Ok. No worries. Good luck in your life." This jerk will assume you sent the wrong email (the first one) to him by mistake. He'll get so jealous, as this kind of comment feeds off men's insecurity about their sexual skills. He'll get turned on and at the same time feel an obligation to top this mythical Dick. Of course he'll write back and you'll write: "Whoops, my mistake. Disregard that last email." That's it. He'll be tormented for weeks!