Relationship Rx

prescriptions for the soul

Oct 13, 2006

My Crude Rude Dude

Dear George: A very persistent and self claimed "different" kind of guy convinced me to date him while he was separated to divorce. He and his spouse had a mediator and divorced several months after we started dating. Although he claimed to have worked through much of his demons while they had a 2 year separation, I find that after one year, he no longer is the thoughtful, romantic, easy going guy he proclaimed he was. My rule is not to date a guy unless he's been divorced for 3 years. There are a lot of characteristics I like about this guy, and at 54 years of age, I'm feeling it is better to settle for the imperfect male (since am also the imperfect female!) but am feeling skeptical about his ability to move on. He recently introduced me to his 3 kids, ages 10, 13 and 15....and told them we were new friends but through talking with my kids, they discovered we have been seeing each other for a year. Naturally, his kids are upset and my beau is upset with me for letting this slip occur....He wanted his kids to ease gently into knowing me and now feels all his efforts to not hurt his kids have dissipated. Over the weekend, the residual of this episode came across in his behavior. He felt badly and said he truly was sorry....but I don't like feeling I have to walk on egg shells. He used passive aggressive tactics and was condescending at times. Although we have been able to roll over the bumps of life and both take responsibility for our actions and communicate better than most.I am on the fence as to whether this guy is on the rebound as most are after recently divorcing. No matter how amicable the divorce is. His pattern of letting down his guard to expose a more crude side is happening more often in the past few months.Though he wants to remain in a relationship with me and asks my patience to help him. I'm getting frustrated and scared. Don't want to be a rebound but I can't help thinking that's what this is!!

--Anon

Dear Anon,

You're on the fence as to whether to commit your valuable time, energy and emotional resources to this guy. You want to know if he's the right one and going to give you back what you surely will give him. I got to say I don't think a man who dates a woman for a year can be considered "on the rebound." If it was a one night stand...or a one month stand, maybe. But a year? He most likely has strong feelings for you and is surely confused, angry and hurt about his divorce. No one gets over a divorce. Just as no one really gets over the death of a loved one. While time heals wounds and we adjust, hopefully in a healthy way, the pain and memories will always be present, and triggered when thoughts of the person arise. This probably occurs more often when children are in the picture.

Help him mourn the loss of his relationship... even if he was the one that pulled the plug. Have a "letting go" ceremony. Bring him, a photograph (of him and his ex-wife) and a digital camera to the beach or lake. Take the old photo, tie a rock around it and "let it go" by tossing it into the surf or lake. This can be done while you honor his relationship with his ex-wife, and acknowledge that his future is in front of him. Literally. Follow this up by taking a new photo of you two. Print it out and frame it for the both of you to cherish. Another suggestion. Try looking at his new habit of exposing "a more crude side" as his way of pushing you away to protect himself from being hurt again. Perhaps in his mind, if he is "mean" to you then you'll leave him and he won't have to suffer the pain of divorce or separation ever again.

I ruined many a good relationship for fear of getting hurt. Men don't spend a great deal of time processing our feelings, especially about relationships that end poorly. Thus the residual painful feelings are present when we begin new relationships. You think Brad Pitt spent as many hours crying to his male friends about the demise of his marriage as Jennifer Aniston probably did to her girlfriends. I doubt it.

Tell your crude, rude dude you know what he's doing and why, and that you won't leave him, nor will you put up with this passive-aggressiveness. With persistence on your part, this pattern of behavior should change. Give him time, but speak your mind.

-- George

Labels: advice, boyfriend, divorce, romance

posted by Unknown # 10/13/2006 03:13:00 PM

Comments:

That is something that is hard to get through. I understand that he wants things to go smoothly for his kids, but the worst thing he can do to them is lie. He never should have put you and your kids in that position!

# posted by

Anonymous : 9/01/2006 02:16:00 PM

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

# posted by

See Bee : 9/01/2006 02:46:00 PM

Dear Anon:
Do you love him enough to accept his conditions and his rules? Then go for it.
If not, just get out of this relationship. And move on. You'll find someone who can give you what you are looking for: honesty and a real commitment.
Now make your own decision and after that don't look back.
Go girl!
V.S.

# posted by

Anonymous : 9/01/2006 11:30:00 PM

I'm a women that doesn't like to play the guessing game. Do men like a women who is more up front and direct? Or, does being to direct scare them off.

# posted by

Anonymous : 10/23/2006 02:35:00 PM

Relationship Rx

Oct 13, 2006

My Crude Rude Dude

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