Relationship Rx

Most of the men I like are the ones who don't make it obvious that they like me. Somehow this happens. I don't intend it. The men I like are ones who don't make enough effort, the moves. Right now, I know a guy who I think likes me. But he says I'll call you and doesn't call. Although I know he hasn't fixed when he will call, I expect his call, because I like him and want it to move further. Should I make the moves or just expect him to make effort and then think that the feelings I have for him are mutual? Dear V.S., I get how much you like this guy and want your feelings to be reciprocated. You said you "think he likes" you. Let's suppose for the sake of this response that your female intuition is right and there's something blocking him from making "the moves." From a guy's perspective, there's a number of reasons why we don't initiate contact when we're attracted to a woman. While he's definitely already imagined you in all sorts of sexually compromising positions and situations, he may be afraid that a one night stand might be cruel and unusual punishment. Why? Well, he most likely realizes you like him and trumping and dumping you is mean. If he is considering a deeper level of intimacy, he's well aware of the emotional roadblocks, unhappy hazards, painfull pitfalls, and sensitive stumps in the road. A "Candyland" of emotional pain. This fear prevents many men from moving forward to the place called commitment, where decisiveness in relationships occur and happiness can be found. Perhaps attachment issues that breed commitment phobia are the culprit or maybe he is the product of a nasty divorce. A million and one reasons keep men from testing the waters of real commitment. You can help him be brave. Hold his hand as you enter this deep water. Why not ask him out? You'll know immediately if he likes you. If he says yes, then game on. If he hems and haws, then forget it. Who wants a wishy-washy guy anyways? Don't get physical with him on the first night, as he might assume you're interested in commitment free sex. Tell him you'd like to see him again, but allow him to ask you out. If he doesn't, then forget it. You can bring a horse (or guy) to water but you can't make him drink, unless the water's beer and free. Now for the real issue here. You say the men you like "are ones who don't make enough effort." While everyone likes a chase, or so the expression goes, your interest in disinterested men could be problematic, and most likely painful for you. This desire for men who are emotionally unattainable leads me to believe you might have unfinished business with your father. Perhaps your father was not physically present? Or emotionally available? Maybe he was the type that didn't show much affection. As a little girl your brain was hard-wired to accept that this minimal expression of feelings was in fact love. As an adult you understand that the type of guy you like may not meet your needs, but the little girl inside of you is determined to repeat history. Perhaps you want to fix the past with a new guy, and show yourself that underneath his mysterious aloof exterior is a warm, compassionate, loving man. Or maybe you're simply living out the only model of male female intimacy you know. In any case, a few sessions of therapy should help clarify this desire for the unattainable. And no... that doesn't make you crazy! After dating three women that all looked just like my mother (from her wedding picture), I knew I needed to put time in on the couch. Wishing you all the best in your own quest. -- George