Relationship Rx
prescriptions for the soulJan 29, 2006
Roommate Stalemate
Dear Readers:
I'm really upset. I've had a roommate for the past year and a half (found him off of Craig's List). Being a graduate student with limited finances I thought it was a good idea to share the rent. It turned out I'm paying for it...just not monitarily.
When I first moved in we agreed to a cleaning schedule which we kept to. Months past and everything was great. He was cooperative and agreeable when I discussed areas that bothered me (e.g. coming home at 3:00 a.m. and cranking the tunes).
Then his girlfriend moved in and now it's three. She's also very considerate and sweet, but both are little piglets. Dishes pile up and the schedule of cleaning every other week is not adhered to. I can't believe that both of them together can't equal one conscience about the deal that was signed and sealed. (Yes, we did make a cleaning contract when we moved in and both my roommate and I signed it.)
The worst part is because they don't clean, I say to myself "f them," and I don't do my part either.
So I'm angry at them for not being accountable to the job we agreed on and angry at myself for not being more assertive in stating my wishes. I feel like a push-over.
On the other hand, I don't want to be this happy couple's mother/father, always telling them to clean their room. Did you note the sarcasm in ther word "happy?" Ok, I'm jealous seeing them together, snuggling on the couch, and me being single. I can recognize that and own it, but still...the apt. is a dump.
I cleaned the kitchen today (because it was filthy) and when he got up (at noon), I said we need to revisit the cleaning schedule. He said..."Oh, I'm not too t'd about that." (T'd means teed off or pissed. I can only assume.)
This reply made me more angry, and fed into my shame about not laying down the law. You know us guys have to be in control.
Any advice on resolving this issue? Please don't say move out. I'm leaving in July when school ends.
I also believe, perhaps in a masochistic way, that working on this relationship now may help me down the road with other similar circumstances (e.g. teenage children).
--George
Then his girlfriend moved in and now it's three. She's also very considerate and sweet, but both are little piglets. Dishes pile up and the schedule of cleaning every other week is not adhered to. I can't believe that both of them together can't equal one conscience about the deal that was signed and sealed. (Yes, we did make a cleaning contract when we moved in and both my roommate and I signed it.)
The worst part is because they don't clean, I say to myself "f them," and I don't do my part either.
So I'm angry at them for not being accountable to the job we agreed on and angry at myself for not being more assertive in stating my wishes. I feel like a push-over.
On the other hand, I don't want to be this happy couple's mother/father, always telling them to clean their room. Did you note the sarcasm in ther word "happy?" Ok, I'm jealous seeing them together, snuggling on the couch, and me being single. I can recognize that and own it, but still...the apt. is a dump.
I cleaned the kitchen today (because it was filthy) and when he got up (at noon), I said we need to revisit the cleaning schedule. He said..."Oh, I'm not too t'd about that." (T'd means teed off or pissed. I can only assume.)
This reply made me more angry, and fed into my shame about not laying down the law. You know us guys have to be in control.
Any advice on resolving this issue? Please don't say move out. I'm leaving in July when school ends.
I also believe, perhaps in a masochistic way, that working on this relationship now may help me down the road with other similar circumstances (e.g. teenage children).
--Georgeposted by Unknown # 1/29/2006 01:40:00 PM 
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You sound like a very nice, well adjusted guy. I was surprised to read that you are single! Is this by choice?
# posted by 
: 2/02/2006 02:24:00 PM
: 2/02/2006 02:24:00 PM
You either know how to clean or you don't, is what I've learned from living with (multiple) roommates. The problem in NY apartments is that if you know how to clean and your roommate doesn't, it becomes more apparent and more unbearable.
It's not about laying down the law in this case, it's about a dialogue that needs to happen between the two (three) of you about how the apartment needs to be in order for the two of you to coexist peacefully. And a peaceful coexistance doesn't mean him happily not doing his dishes and you doing him, because that only leads to a nasty "wire hangers" breaking point. Don't let his brush-off end the discussion, the discussion ends when something is agreed to and acted upon on a consistent basis.
Good luck with that, though, I could tell you horror stories from five girls sharing one apartment.
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It's not about laying down the law in this case, it's about a dialogue that needs to happen between the two (three) of you about how the apartment needs to be in order for the two of you to coexist peacefully. And a peaceful coexistance doesn't mean him happily not doing his dishes and you doing him, because that only leads to a nasty "wire hangers" breaking point. Don't let his brush-off end the discussion, the discussion ends when something is agreed to and acted upon on a consistent basis.
Good luck with that, though, I could tell you horror stories from five girls sharing one apartment.
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